I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
