I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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