i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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