I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
