So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
