take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
