my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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