U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
