A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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