can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
