Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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