last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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