He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
