This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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