My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
