Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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