that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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