she woke up with a sticky ear
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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