I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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