I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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