I will die if light touches me.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
