my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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