So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
