When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
