Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
