I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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