May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
