I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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