then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
