there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Terrible idea I love it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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