i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
