I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
