just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
