My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
