Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
