Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
