He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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