There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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