she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
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I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
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He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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