Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i love accidental penises.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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