Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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