I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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