Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
