I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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