don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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