also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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