The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
