She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
