I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
