Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
