just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
