You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
where are my eyebrows?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize