I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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