you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
