Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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